2:14pm

Wed May 21, 2014
Monkey See

'Batman V Superman': A Legal Thriller (We Hope)

Originally published on Wed May 21, 2014 2:52 pm

We learned today that the upcoming sequel to Man Of Steel will be called Batman v Superman: Dawn Of Justice.

This is interesting for several reasons. First of all, "Dawn Of Justice" sounds like a dirty movie about sheriffs. Second of all, "Dawn Of Justice" sounds like it precedes the Morning Of Reckoning, the Afternoon Of Relief, the Dusk Of Regret, the Evening Of Resignation, and the Hot Muggy Midnight Of History Repeating Itself, all leading up to Batman V Superman: Dawn Of Justice: The Next Day.

But most of all, the use of "v" rather than "vs." is primarily for court cases, which tend to be captioned along the lines of Me v. You (or would be, if you and I were ever to go to court on opposing sides of anything, which would never happen, because we would go to mediation because it's much cheaper and it would allow us to maintain our good relationship).

And it's typically shown that way, as a small "v" with a dot after it, not as a v with no dot. Batman v Superman isn't really ... anything, although Batman V. Superman would be the best name on the best driver's license that a police officer ever extracted from a drunk person yelling from the back of a moving pickup truck on New Year's Eve.

While it's unlikely that Batman v Superman is in fact about the epic court battle between our two heroes, I eagerly hold my breath at the possibility that it will be.

In my dream version of this idea, Batman sues Superman over an incident in which Superman accidentally picks up Batman's cape at the dry cleaner's, which leads to the revelation that Superman only sees black and white, which renders his colorful costume very ironic. Batman v Superman!

Or perhaps Batman sues Superman after Superman refers to himself as "The Real Caped Crusader," and they wind up in a battle over intellectual property. Batman v Superman!

Or perhaps Batman has to take action after Alfred makes a bequest that violates the Rule Against Perpetuities (that's what Body Heat is about, by the way) and Superman is trying to take Alfred's entire snood collection for himself, and they must battle in court! Batman v Superman!

Or Batman sues Superman because it turns out they have houses next to each other, and Batman learns that Superman's driveway lops over the property line, and Superman is like, "Easement!" and Batman is like, "No way!" and Superman says, "Adverse possession!" and Batman says "It has to be open and notorious!" and Superman says, "I AM VERY NOTORIOUS; I AM SUPERMAN!" And then Batman says, "It has to be hostile!" and Superman says, "Aw, I could never be mad at you," and they hug and agree to share the driveway since Superman doesn't actually have a car. Batman v Superman!

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